Elation and Frustration

I never finished explaining How I Became Nicole X. Although I suppose I was trying to show rather than tell as I learned I should do in my college fiction writing class, I should probably just finish the story by saying that I became my married name when I was in the ICU at Sibley Hospital back in November. The nurses and lab techs would come in at 4am to begin everything, the chest X-rays, the blood work, and they called me Mrs. X, my married name. After that I haven't slipped up once in calling myself by my new name. My maiden name has slipped into the past with a lot of other things that I used to be.

I wrestle between frustration and elation these days. Elation because I feel so much better than I did back in November and December. There were so many inconclusive tests back then, and they were painful. I still have the marks on the right side of my upper thigh where they cut in to put catheters into my heart, the first time to see if there were electrical problems and the second time for the myocardial biopsy that left me writhing in pain. Back then when I had no answers, I was really convinced that my Christmas present might be getting on a heart transplant list. Now, even though I have no more answers than I did before, we know that's not the case. My heart is healing, slowly slowly, but healing.

On Sunday I went to the grocery store and coming back up the steps with a couple of bags into our new kitchen, my husband said, "It's so nice to hear you do that and not be out of breath." I agreed, "Yeah!" It was exciting, realizing that I feel better. But with the same hand it's still hard because I used to be someone different. I took things for granted, but I used to run three miles without thinking about it, run around my office building all day without breaking a sweat, or drink too many glasses of wine, the only consequence being a headache the next morning.

I try to be positive, look how far I've come and not try to think too much about the Nicole C. that I was before I got sick, the one who ran the day before her wedding in the rain or swam in the ocean on her honeymoon for hours, or who thought that everything was possible the moment she wanted it. Although I know I will get back to being active again, no one can promise me that I'll ever run a 5K again. I used to take that so much for granted, I could run a 5K in my sleep. Now I see people running along Rock Creek in DC or I read blogs where women talk about how their exercise class kicked their butt, I'm envious. I try to remind myself that the reason this has all happened is to make me more thankful, think about what I have, value it more, but it's tough.

I know I have an amazing life, one that might have not still been going on had we not gone to the hospital when we did. I know I'm supposed to learn from this, it's the proverbial blessing in disguise that makes you thankful that you're here at all. When things change suddenly for you, though, there are times when you maybe get a little sad. I wish I could say I'll never take anything for granted again, but I will and I welcome the time when I slip into the sweet ignorance of living without a care. Life is really sweet, and I guess sometimes being sad about what isn't is just part of that.

It's a tough month, February, no? Cold, dreary... in less than a week, though, it will be March, both of our birthdays, and a spring that I think I will enjoy like no other in my life!